if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
