Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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