he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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