Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
