I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
