I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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