Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
