Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
