yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
