Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
