Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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