im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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