Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
