remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
