I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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