I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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