I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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