I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
