every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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