A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think I died a long time ago.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
