i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize