Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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