The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
