dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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