hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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