Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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