I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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