On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
