Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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