Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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