Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
