I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
