can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
