I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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