You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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