I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
