Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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