She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize