my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize