you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
