so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
