Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
