so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize