i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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