I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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