How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
