Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
