Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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