yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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