My hair reeks of homosexuality.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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