If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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