ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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