youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
