Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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