Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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