i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
