Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
