I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
