just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
