As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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