two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
