my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
