Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
